Pause

It’s now Tuesday 28th April and I’ve skipped a couple of days writing. I asked my husband to open the letter for me on Sunday and now know my appointment is booked for tomorrow at 1.30pm I’m a bit all over the place at the moment as you can imagine. I can’t settle to do anything today. Sunday was a family day, Monday spent getting sorted after holiday so busy with washing, shopping etc and little time for idle thought. Oh, I did have an appointment for a cervical cancer check to attend yesterday,  great timing but I it has to be done, that’s another letter that’ll be in the post shortly. Today however I’m so tired,  combination of a busy day yesterday and hardly any sleep last night. My feelings are divided between sensibility ‘stop worrying and get on with things ‘ and fear ‘ what if…’ I’ve rationalised both scenarios. If everything is ok I’ll breath as it of relief and crack on with life (after offering up a huge prayer of thanks). If the news is bad I’ll probably shed a few tears and, crack on with life – I got through it once so I can do it again. The real fear right now is not knowing, I feel my life is on hold. I’ve written previously about how fortunate I was to have fallen ill suddenly the first time, no waiting and worrying, no pain or suffering beforehand. This is excruciating especially at night when all my worst fears seem to close in. What about my family, how will they cope, how will I walk our dogs,  I won’t be able to go running, play netball, do yoga. It’s not f***ing fair!